Toxic (The Complete Series): Contemporary Gay Romance Page 16

  I hadn’t seen Cooper in so long and now I wanted to be in his life again. I wanted to get to know him again. I wanted the chance I’d never taken before.

  But he was still guarded and I had no idea how to bridge that gap.

  “How was your first night working here?” I asked.

  He gave that smile again, and it nearly killed me. “Interesting.”

  I blew out a laugh. “Yeah. That would be one word for it. I was probably the last person you expected to see when you applied here.”

  “That would be an accurate statement.”

  An accurate statement. Cooper always killed me with his way with words. “I miss that,” I told him quietly.

  He glanced over. “What?”

  “The things you say. How you say them. You’re…” I shifted to face him. “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met.”

  “Nate. You haven’t seen me in ten years.”

  “And it’s still true. Maybe that’s why…” I trailed off. Maybe that’s why I was friends with him in the first place. He was unique and fun and creative. I’d realized that part about him, at least. But I hadn’t realized the rest. How much I’d cared about him back then. And how much it would hurt when he wasn’t in my life anymore.

  “Why what?” Cooper asked, his hands still resting on the wheel.

  It took a lot of control not to reach out and touch him. I doubted he’d let me anyway.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. I finally blurted it out, because what else was I supposed to say? “I handled our friendship—and the end of it—in a terrible way back then. I’ve regretted it all these years, but more than that—I regret how it affected you. I’m sorry.”

  His hands dropped to his lap. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. Just maybe consider forgiving me. I made a mistake and I know I can’t take it back, but I don’t want things to be awkward between us.”

  “I don’t either,” he whispered.

  Good. A certain amount of relief settled through me, but it didn’t feel like enough. I didn’t just want his forgiveness, I wanted his friendship again.

  No, I wanted more than that. I wanted his love.

  But that was definitely too much to ask. At least right now.

  Cooper turned the key in the ignition again and the engine flipped over this time. “See?” he said, rewarding me with another quirk of his lip. “Just had to give it a minute.”

  “Good. Well.”

  He looked at me expectantly, like he was waiting for me to get out. Awkward.

  “Sorry,” I said again. I opened the door and got out.

  Cooper leaned over and looked at me through the window. His lashes were long and dark—another thing I remembered about him. They framed fathomless blue eyes that always used to be full of mischief.

  Now, they were guarded, and that also killed me. I hated that he didn’t trust me, but I understood why.

  “I forgive you,” he told me. “I don’t like holding grudges. It’s a waste of time.”

  I propped my forearms on the windowsill. “Thank you. I appreciate it. And what I said before? About not wanting things to be awkward between us?”

  He nodded.

  “It’s not only that.”

  “There’s more?” he asked warily.

  “I want…” I sighed. “I want us to be friends again. To be…in that same place we were. I want…”

  Too much. That’s what I wanted. Too much right now, and things he probably didn’t want to hear.

  I gave him a smile. “I’ll let you go.”

  He shifted back into his seat and gave me a short wave before pulling from the parking lot.

  I wanted him to love me. That’s what I wanted.

  But how in the world was I supposed to make that happen when I’d already broken his heart?

  Chapter 6

  COOPER

  I watched at Liam put up signs on the bar windows, happily humming to himself. Each sign was printed on a cheerful yellow, stating that the bar would be closed on Sunday for a wedding.

  Bea leaned on the bar next to me. It was a slow Tuesday, which I appreciated. A break before it got busy again for the weekend. And a break from Nate because their band didn’t play tonight.

  I wasn’t sure whether it was a good break or a bad break. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him since we talked on Saturday night. He’d looked so…lost. It was strange. I was used to seeing Nate confident, cocky even. He was so sure of everything he did.

  And then he’d sat in my car, apologized, and looked like he wanted to say so much more. I want. That’s what he kept saying before I finally drove off. What did he really want? Just a friendship?

  More?

  I grunted to myself. No way. I’d let myself think that before and look what had happened.

  “Everything okay?” Bea asked.

  I glanced over with a smile. “Yes. Got lost in my own thoughts.”

  “Looks like everyone is doing that today.” She gestured to Liam. “He looks so happy, though, doesn’t he?”

  “Very happy,” I agreed.

  And it made a little pang of longing bloom in my chest. Liam and Tate were the perfect couple. Best friends and lovers. They challenged each other and complimented each other.

  Just like Nate and I had when we were teenagers. But I had to keep reminding myself, we were teenagers back then. Nate and I had grown up and we were different people.

  That didn’t mean he wasn’t still attractive, though. That I still didn’t almost melt at the sound of his voice. How the hell was I supposed to work with him every weekend and not drool a little every time he sang?

  Bea dropped her head to the bar with a loud thunk. “I can’t do it anymore.”

  “What? Bea,” I said, looking around. “What is it?”

  She peered at me through one eye. “You are too quiet tonight. I’m dying!”

  With a laugh, I pulled on her arm. “Okay, get up. I’ll talk. What do you want me to say?”

  “Tell me all your most intimate secrets,” she said.

  I laughed again. “That’s remarkably specific and general at the same time.”

  “Haven’t you heard? I know everything that goes on around here. People confide in me.”

  “I can see why,” I said dryly.

  She rolled her eyes. “Not because I force them. You know, Nate told me what happened. I swear he said it was okay to talk to you so I’m not betraying his secrets. I wouldn’t do that. I promise.”

  “I believe you. What did he say?”

  “He said he wanted to apologize.”

  I nodded. “He did.”

  “And?”

  With a sigh, I went back to watching Liam. He posted the last flyer and then went to the front door, waving at someone outside, his smile wide on his face.

  “And it was…weird. I didn’t feel like I expected. I’d wanted him to come to me and apologize way back when it happened but he didn’t. I kept wanting him to get in contact with me for years after that. But then…I just let it go. So when he apologized, I was already over it.”

  “But it was what he needed to do. Was he sincere about it?”

  Yes. He’d looked genuinely sorry. Like it had really cost him. “I believe he was sincere.”

  “Then you’re good, right? Or…” She shrugged. “At least, you can work together, right? Or is it still weird?”

  Before I could answer her, the door opened and Nate, Mason, and Tate walked through, laughing at something Liam said.

  I straightened, turning my back on them. “What is he doing here?”

  Bea chuckled. “Okay, definitely still weird.”

  “It’s not weird, it’s…” How did I explain this? Just seeing Nate did things to my mind and body I loved feeling but didn’t want to feel because of him.

  After a moment, I told Bea my thoughts.

  “Wow.” She touched my arm in sympathy. “So you still care about
him?”

  “It’s not—I don’t know. I mean, we were best friends. It’s hard to let that go. And he’s fucking sexy, okay? It’s hard not to get caught up.”

  “Cooper.” She sighed. “I’m sorry. That’s a tough place to be in.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  When I heard their voices approaching, I turned back around. I forced a smile I hoped felt genuine. Nate caught my eye and returned the smile, unleashing the full force of it on me.

  I cleared my throat. “Can I get you guys something?”

  “We’re finalizing wedding plans, so yes,” Mason said with a grin, “all the drinks. Lots of them.”

  “I’ll get it,” Nate said as the rest of the group walked to a table. He smiled at me again. “Beer is fine.”

  “So you’re playing for the reception?”

  He nodded. “Are you coming?”

  Bea stepped up next to me. “Yes. I’m thinking of forcing him to be my plus one because I’m pathetic and don’t have a date and Cooper is really cute.”

  I tried to step on her shoe, but she moved it to the side and flashed me a grin.

  “He is really cute,” Nate said, making me blink in surprise.

  I’d never heard him compliment me like that before. At least not in front of other people. He’d always kept that secret between us, too afraid to let other people see who he really was.

  “If he won’t go with you, I was thinking of asking him myself,” Nate said.

  Bea smacked my arm. “Look at you. You’re in demand.”

  “In demand,” I said with a laugh. “With a straight woman and a man who…”

  I trailed off and turned to get the beers for him. A man who was too afraid to show how he felt about me, was what I was going to say. That didn’t sound like high demand to me. That sounded pathetic, just like Bea said.

  Bea busied herself wiping the counter. When I turned back, Nate’s expression was pained.

  “I deserved that,” he said with a nod.

  “No.” I blew out a breath. “No, you didn’t. I said I forgive you, which means I should let it go, right?”

  “Not necessarily. What can I do to show you I’m not that person anymore?”

  “It’s really not about that,” I told him. Or not entirely. Yes, I wanted proof that he wasn’t afraid to acknowledge his true feelings anymore, but mostly I wanted to not be affected by him.

  To not care anymore. But I couldn’t. Not when he looked at me with concerned eyes.

  I’d wondered so many times what it would feel like to have him touch me. To wrap his arms around me and be there for me like we used to be for each other.

  Maybe he was that person now, but was I strong enough—or stupid enough—to trust him again?

  That was the hard part.

  “Thanks for the beers,” Nate said.

  He brought them to the table as I blew out a breath.

  “Yeah,” I said to Bea, “definitely weird.”

  She put her arm around me. “I didn’t mean to make it worse.”

  “You didn’t.”

  “I think he likes you,” she said.

  “What?”

  “No.” She lowered her voice. “I know he does because he told me. I swear, not giving away secrets. I just like to see people happy. And you guys have history—good and bad. Which is actually a good thing.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because you can see how the other one has grown. You have a great foundation but you can also start over.” She looked at the men talking and laughing at the table. “I’ve known Nate for years and he really is a good guy. He knows who he is right now, and I think that’s made him a more caring and compassionate person.”

  I considered her words.

  As I watched Nate talk about music and the lineup for the wedding, he did seem different. Quieter, somehow, even though he still had a big personality. And apologizing like he had was a big deal.

  So was telling Bea I was cute. Maybe he really had changed.

  After ten minutes and a few customers, Nate came back over to get more beers. He sat at the bar this time while I gathered the drinks.

  “What time do you get off of work?” he asked.

  I turned around, trying to stay calm. “Ten.”

  He flashed a smile and stood. “Good. Thanks.”

  He set his hand on the bar and slid it across, his thumb brushing my finger before he pulled back. My eyes flashed to his, but then he was grabbing the drinks and turning away again.

  There was a piece of paper where he’d set his hand.

  I pulled in a breath and picked it up. Inside, his pointy writing filled the surface. Have coffee with me after work? I’ll wait for you.

  My eyes flashed to the table. Nate looked up at the same time and mouthed the word, Please.

  Just one word, but it shot straight to my core. What the hell? Was he…asking me out? Or just trying to be friends like he said he wanted?

  “Do it,” Bea whispered in my ear.

  I jumped and then glared at her while she laughed. “No wonder you know everyone’s business. You’re sneaky.”

  “That is true,” she said with a nod. “But it doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

  I shoved the paper in my pocket. No. I didn’t need to get distracted by Nate right now. I was just getting my life on track here. A distraction was the last thing I needed—even if it was tempting.

  Even if I could feel Nate’s eyes on me all the way over here and I could barely stand because of the heat of his gaze.

  Chapter 7

  NATE

  I checked my watch again as I leaned against my car in the parking lot at Toxic. Cooper’s car was parked a space over, but he hadn’t come out yet.

  Maybe he was waiting for me to leave. Or maybe he’d had a few extra things to do before he clocked out.

  Either way, it was making me nervous.

  It had hit me today how I had a second chance here—a chance for something good—which was why I wrote the note for Cooper. Why I was hoping he was willing to give me a chance.

  The back door opened and Cooper walked out with Bea, saying something to her that made her laugh. Cooper was good at that. He always used to make me laugh, too. He always used to make me feel things I wasn’t used to feeling.

  And now he was doing it again, whether he knew it or not.

  Cooper spotted me at my car and said goodbye to Bea.

  He scooped a hand through his hair and gave a small smile. “Is this what you meant? When you said you’d wait for me?”

  “This is what I meant. Does this mean you want to get coffee?” I asked, strolling to meet him by his car. “Or just that you didn’t have a choice and had to walk to your car?”

  He laughed, a husky laugh that made my cock twitch. Fuck. I didn’t know how I was going to keep my hands to myself if he did that again. But it felt good to hear it. After all this time, after worrying he was going to hate me, laughing was good.

  “That’s true. I did have to come out to my car, but…” He looked up at the sky, as if searching for answers there. “Coffee sounds good.”

  “Really?”

  “I’m just not sure about coffee with you.”

  I deflated. “Oh.”

  But I wasn’t about to give up. I stepped closer, close enough I could reach out to touch him. To make sure I wouldn’t, I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my leather jacket.

  “I get it. I’d probably feel the same if I were in your position. I’ll back off if that’s what you want. If you’re just not interested, I won’t bother you. I’ll be your friend and I’ll be there for you if you need it, but I won’t bother you about coffee anymore.” When I saw him exhale, like he was trying to release stress, I continued. “But…if you’re interested but just not sure how to trust me again, let me prove it to you. I still feel this connection with you, Cooper.”

  He dropped his chin. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I feel it too.”

  This time I exhaled
. Good. So good. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel if he told me there was nothing on his end. “Please?” I asked.

  This time I did reach out. I extended my hand for him to take, longing to feel his skin against mine. “Let me take you for coffee. Let me show you how I’ve changed.”

  He eyed my hand warily. I stood on the precipice of heartbreak, just like Cooper had so long ago, and prayed he wouldn’t deny me.

  Finally, he reached out and set his hand in mine. “Okay.”

  I squeezed his fingers and then pulled him to my truck. “Let’s go.”

  He got in when I opened the door for him and I ran around to the other side, feeling like a teenager all over again. Giddy about a crush. High on life. Looking forward to whatever came next.

  I drove to a coffee shop a few blocks over and we found a table in the corner. I’d had a few dates like this, where we met at night in a low-lit coffee shop corner, hopeful for a potential match. But save for a few short-lived relationships, none had ever made me as hopeful as this.

  We ordered our drinks and I gave Cooper a smile. “So, there’s something I wanted to show you.”

  His lips curved, always that mysterious smile. I wished I knew what he was thinking. “What is it?” he asked.

  I pulled a piece of paper from my pocket and passed it over to him.

  Cooper unfolded it and then stared. “You kept it?”

  I nodded. “It was our first band logo. Of course I kept it.”

  “Right.” He cleared his throat. “I mean, of course. It’s a band memento.”

  I reached out, my fingers stopping an inch from touching his. “It wasn’t just because of that. It was because you drew it.”

  His mouth opened, but words didn’t come out. I couldn’t tell whether he was surprised or he didn’t believe me. So I pulled out the drawing from my other pocket and set it on the table.

  “In case you don’t believe me,” I told him.

  He slowly picked up the other picture and unfolded that as well. He set it on the table, looking at the smiling sketch of me and him with music notes surrounding us.

  It was one of the best things I’d ever seen him do—worthy of its own graphic novel setting. He’d drawn it during one of our practices and gave it to me afterward.