Toxic (The Complete Series): Contemporary Gay Romance Read online

Probably the rest of the band, too. Two of them had known Cooper in high school. And while none of them were as close with him as I was, they knew when Cooper and I had parted ways and what it had done to me. It had felt like I lost my best friend. No, I had lost my best friend.

  Cooper had been more than an acquaintance. He’d been my best friend, my confidante, and the first boy I’d ever really loved—even if I hadn’t known it at the time.

  I rubbed a hand over my chest as I walked to the stage to set down my guitar. I’d prepared the line-up to be a little peppier tonight than usual. I needed it.

  Bea lay halfway across the bar, her eyes wide. “What. Was. That?”

  I turned around. “What?”

  “Last night? When Cooper saw you, it was like he’d seen a ghost. And you just walked away—even though you looked like you’d seen one, too.”

  With a quick look around to make sure Cooper hadn’t come in yet, I waved my hand. “Help me with my gear.”

  She seemed to realize this meant I might tell her secrets, so she hopped over the bar and hurried after me down the short hallway behind the stage. Bea knew everything that happened at Toxic because she was the one everybody talked to.

  She knew every employee and all their secrets, but she never told them to anyone else unless she had permission.

  “Something’s going on,” she whispered as we reached the door to the storage closet. “Spill it.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “I can’t just jump into it like that.”

  She tapped her finger against her lips, then nodded. “Okay, so for tonight, I’m requesting you guys sing all the Britney Spears songs—"

  “Okay, God, don’t kill me. That’s painful. I know Cooper, okay?” I blurted.

  Anything to get her to stop talking about singers with songs I’d never want to cover in a million years.

  “Wait. You already know him? As in…you met earlier in the day yesterday when he came for the interview?”

  “As in we knew each other in high school,” I told her, dragging the bag of microphones and cords out of the closet.

  She took another bag when I set it in her arms. “Really? How?”

  “We went to the same school.”

  “No, I mean, like how did you know each other? Friends? Enemies? He was your editor on the school paper?”

  “What?” I frowned at her. “What makes you think I wrote for the school paper—and why is he my editor instead of the other way around?”

  She grinned. “I see.”

  “See what?”

  “You’re touchy. Which means you were either enemies. Or…lovers.”

  I choked on the answer I was going to give her. Lovers. Holy fuck did that bring a whole lot of images into mind—and not all of them bad. I’d pictured Cooper in my mind so many times, it was almost like he was my lover. But that was…bordering on stalking, and that’s why I stopped looking him up online.

  “We weren’t lovers,” I said quietly.

  “But you wanted to be?”

  I turned on her as she blinked innocently at me. “How do you do that? What? Did Cooper tell you what happened or something?”

  “No. I haven’t seen him since he practically ran out of here yesterday. After he saw you.”

  I shoved a hand in my hair, and then propped my hands on my hips. “We were friends, okay? Best friends,” I admitted with something like longing in my voice. “He had feelings for me and I…” God, I hated saying it out loud. Not only because it made me seem like an ass, but because I hated what I’d done to him. “He told me how he felt and I—I didn’t handle it well.”

  “Because you weren’t interested in him?”

  I sighed. “Because I wasn’t interested in coming out.”

  That was the plain, sad truth. I’d been more worried about my image than his feelings, and in the long run I’d ended up hurting myself, too, because I hadn’t just owned up to who I was. Not until college anyway. And who knew how many potential relationships I’d missed because I hadn’t been true to myself.

  But unfortunately, in that first one, I hadn’t just hurt myself. I’d hurt Cooper, too.

  Bea’s face went thoughtful. “That was a long time ago.”

  “I know.” I dragged out the speakers and then hefted two into my arms. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t remember. And judging by how fast he walked out of here when he saw me, he remembers too.”

  She followed me to the stage and passed over wires as I hooked them up. I tucked them in a straight line between the microphone stands so there wasn’t a whole mess to trip on.

  I glanced up when she didn’t answer. “Do you know if he works tonight?”

  She nodded. “Liam and I are training him—though I doubt he needs it. He has a lot of experience.”

  I believed it. Cooper had always had a lot of energy and wanted to learn everything he could. I’d even gotten him to sing with me once and he’d been good at that, too. I didn’t think there was anything Cooper couldn’t do.

  She passed over another cord. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

  I sighed again. I wasn’t sure. I knew I needed to say something—do something besides turn away from him, but I wasn’t sure how.

  “If you want. But mostly…God, I just want to apologize. I should have…I don’t know. I should have done something different, I’m just not sure what.”

  Bea nodded. “I get it. But you were young. We all do stupid things when we’re young. Hell, I still do stupid things. Especially when it involves love.”

  My gaze snapped to hers. “Love? I didn’t say—”

  “No. I mean—I didn’t mean you,” she said. Then she shrugged. “I mean, he obviously had feelings for you. And I…well, it sort of sounded like, by the way you were talking, you had feelings for him, too. Or still do.”

  “Dammit, Bea,” I said under my breath. “It’s like you’re fucking psychic or something. I don’t know how I feel. I just know it’s not right.”

  She touched my shoulder briefly. “Don’t overthink it. If you need to talk to him, do it, because you never know when you’ll have the chance to do it again.” She sucked in a breath. “There he is.”

  I looked over at the same time and saw him. Cooper. He walked from the back hallway, his hair slightly tussled from the wind coming through the back doors.

  Something built inside my chest, something big and uncomfortable. I couldn’t quite place it, but I knew in that moment that Bea was right. I did still have feelings for Cooper. Now I just needed to get him to forgive me.

  Chapter 4

  COOPER

  I was the essence of cool. Nothing could phase me. At least, that was what I was telling myself.

  I’d come back home to where I’d grown up to settle down, and I was off to a good start. I was creating art during the day, working to pay my bills at night, and I’d already found a place to live. Maybe even a few new friends.

  Which meant I had nothing but good things going for me. And Nate Perkins wasn’t going to mess that up simply by being here. I’d let him take away part of my life before because I’d been so heartbroken over him it had taken a while to move on. But not anymore.

  I was over that. So over it.

  So when I saw Nate setting up for tonight, I gave him a polite smile and then promptly walked behind the bar to start my shift. To lose myself in another opportunity.

  “Hey,” Bea said, coming over. She was all smiles and I appreciated it. “Ready for a busy night?”

  “For sure.”

  She had a great energy about her, and soon I’d almost forgotten about my worry over seeing Nate. He was over on the stage singing, keeping busy, and I was here, behind the bar, with Liam and Bea.

  They were like twins, in sync with everything they did, almost like they were moving in time to the music. And soon, I was moving with them, each of us taking a section of the bar to keep up with the Saturday night rush.

  I’d never seen it so busy in a bar before—or seen people s
o happy. Toxic had a great atmosphere.

  Trilogy decided to cover Van Morrison’s “Brown-Eyed Girl,” and Bea and I sang along, with Liam in between and clueless.

  “How do you guys know all these old songs?” Liam asked, giving Bea look.

  She poked his shoulder. “Don’t you dare start with me. I’m only three days older than you. I’m just more cultured.”

  “Right.” Liam turned to me. “And you? I mean, you can’t be more than twenty-five or six.”

  “I’m twenty-seven.”

  Liam wrinkled his nose. “Damn you look good for your age.”

  I chuckled while Bea rolled her eyes.

  “So how do you know old-people songs then?” Liam asked.

  “I remember this one from when I was younger.” I sighed, the memory of Nate and his band practicing this exact song running through my mind. I’d seen Sean and another band-member Cruise glance at me a few times and knew they remembered me. I had no idea how I felt about talking to them, but if I thought about it for more than a few minutes, I started to get nervous. Probably because talking to them meant talking to Nate.

  “What was that?” Liam asked, pointing to my face. “That look?”

  I grimaced, knowing my thoughts were always written all over my face. Nate always used to tell me that. He said I could never lie to my teachers about a dog eating my homework or my car breaking down on my way to school because my face gave everything away.

  I took another order and then turned back to Liam and Bea, keeping my voice low. “I know Nate. From high school. I used to listen to him and the band practice this song over and over again. It’s just…memories.”

  I made it sound light and breezy but my voice was probably giving me away the same as my face. It wasn’t just memories, it was everything my youth was made of. All the good times and all the bad times. I had practically been part of the band, and when that had ended, it felt like a part of my life had been taken away, too.

  “Wow.” Liam glanced at the stage. “What was Nate like back then? Did he have that sexy swagger and sing in that same low voice that kind of makes your knees wobbly?”

  Bea smacked his arm. “Dude. You’re getting married next week.”

  “Oh my God. Who cares? I’m still a human being. Tate knows he’s the only one for me.”

  “Wait,” I said, grateful for the distraction. “Tate the manager? You and Tate are getting married?”

  Liam’s smile stretched wide across his face. “Yes. Only one more week.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. So, you have to be there. The bar is closed the whole day on Sunday for the big celebration. Drinks, music, love.”

  “Well, I mean—it’s not—you don’t have to invite me,” I said.

  Liam shared a smile with Bea. “I want to. It’s going to be a happy day. Don’t you want to be part of a happy day?”

  “When you put it that way,” I said.

  Bea nodded. “He’ll guilt you into it even if you say no. They ordered way too much cake.”

  “We ordered way too much of everything. Who cares? It’s a party, and I’m going to be married!”

  The couple in front of us lifted their glasses to cheers and yell a congratulations, making Liam grin.

  “Damn right!” Bea said.

  Tate hadn’t been wrong when he’d told me they were like family around here. He also hadn’t been wrong when he’d said they were the most welcoming people I’d probably ever find.

  It was almost like I’d found my place again—something I hadn’t been expecting when coming back here. I’d thought I had my place back in high school. Nate and I were inseparable. But then it had all fallen apart and the home I once thought I knew had been taken away.

  “Come on,” Liam said, nudging me with his elbow. “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Which one?” I asked, though I knew exactly what he was talking about.

  “About Nate. Was he all geeky or did he have the swagger?”

  Geeky. Ha. I wished. I wasn’t the only one who’d been in love with Nate. Unfortunately, I got to see him go out with dozens of people. All girls.

  I sighed, but I didn’t want to lie to my new friends. “No, he had swagger. And that same leather jacket he’s wearing right now. He was pretty sexy.”

  “Still is,” Liam said as we both watched the band as they finished the song.

  Nate gripped the microphone on the stand, his voice ringing out in the noisy bar. “Love will find you…” he sang, voice lowering at the end. He looked over at just that moment and locked eyes with me.

  The drums went silent and the guitar riff ended, and for a moment it felt like just me and him, trying to bridge a gap of almost ten years.

  Then I looked away. I smiled at Bea and Liam and shrugged. “But that was a long time ago. We’ve both moved on.”

  Bea’s eyes were gentle, but it didn’t look like she believed me for a minute. Of course she didn’t; my face was still giving me away.

  I wasn’t over Nate by a long-shot. And being back here reminded me just how much I’d longed to be a part of his life.

  But there was no way in hell I was going to let him hurt me again.

  Chapter 5

  NATE

  I spent most of the evening trying to find a moment to talk to Cooper. But he was busy, then I was busy, and it just kept going back and forth like that. Even when I tried to catch him in the bathroom, Liam came in and Cooper said he had to get back to work. By the end of the night, I was beginning to think he was trying to avoid me.

  I deserved it. But it was going to keep being awkward between us if we didn’t at least talk. Put things from the past to bed.

  Maybe Cooper was already past it, I told myself. Maybe he was happy to leave it all where it was. But it didn’t sit well with me.

  When we finished the last set, I kept looking for a moment to get Cooper alone while Sean helped me pack up the equipment.

  “Small world, right?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “You know. Cooper. We haven’t seen him since high school and now here we all are again. Crazy.”

  “Yeah. Crazy.”

  “What ever happened with you guys?” he asked, closing his guitar case. He shrugged when I gave him a look. “I mean, you were tight and then…”

  Then…we weren’t. No one knew what had gone on—unless Cooper had told someone, which I doubted he had.

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to discuss it with Sean. At least, not until I talked to Cooper first.

  I glanced to the bar, hoping again to catch Cooper before he left. But he wasn’t there. Shit. I didn’t want to wait until next week to see him and clear this up. Not if we had to keep working together.

  “Can you finish this up?” I asked Sean.

  “Sure.”

  But I didn’t miss his confused look or the way he watched as I jogged to the back of the bar. A few other employees were still in the hallway, and I skirted past them when I saw Cooper wasn’t in the group.

  I even checked the bathroom but he wasn’t in there either.

  With a frustrated curse, I jogged to the back exit and opened the door. The wind had picked up, and my jacket flapped as I headed into the parking lot.

  Where was he? Gone that fast?

  But then I saw a car a row over from mine with a shadowed figure inside. I heard the whine of an engine but the car didn’t start.

  Jogging over, I peered into the window and spotted Cooper.

  He jumped when he saw me and then rolled down the window. “Hey.”

  “Car trouble?” I asked.

  He sighed, resting his hands loosely on the steering wheel. He looked almost vulnerable sitting there, and it hit me hard how badly I wanted to comfort him. It had been building. All of it. From when we’d been in high school all the way until now.

  Not only that I’d been an ass, but that I hadn’t been there for him when he needed it.

  “It does this sometim
es,” he said. “I’ll just give it a minute.”

  He continued to sit there without saying another word. Fuck. Now what I was supposed to do? Just blurt it out? Ask him if we could talk when he was already dealing with an issue?

  “I can get Tate to come check it out. He’s better at car stuff than all of us.”

  “No.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to bother him.”

  “It’s not a bother.”

  “It’s late,” he said. “I’ll just wait.”

  My jaw clenched. Wait? Out here in the middle of the night when it looked like rain was coming?

  I glanced up at the sky and then peered into the window again. “It’s really not a problem—”

  “Dammit, Nate,” he bit out. “I don’t need you to fix this for me. I did just fine on my own when you walked away before.”

  The snap of his words hit me right in the heart. God. He wasn’t over it—not by a long shot. Which just made me feel worse.

  Cooper immediately leaned over and shook his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  “Yes, you should. I deserve it, and if it makes you feel better, then you should say whatever you want.”

  He blinked, then frowned. “No. It doesn’t make me feel better.”

  I hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not to take the next step. He was either going to listen to me or snap at me again. But that didn’t really matter, did it?

  Things needed to be said.

  “Can I get in?” I asked.

  His eyes narrowed on me. It struck me again how vulnerable he looked. The same Cooper from when we were kids. The same one I wanted to touch. To talk to. To give everything to.

  But I’d never told him those things—not even when he’d told me he felt the same way.

  “Might as well,” he said finally. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  The sarcasm in his voice and quirk of his lip shot me straight back to high school. Ten years ago and I could still remember that smile. The sarcastic one that always turned me on.

  Fuck. How had he changed so much and so little at the same time?

  When I got into the car, I could smell him. Just a whiff of cologne—maybe not even that. Soap? God, he smelled good. What the hell was wrong with me?