Toxic (The Complete Series): Contemporary Gay Romance Read online

  And trust me, I’d looked.

  We slid into the chorus, and I spotted Mason and Ryan on the dance floor, tangled in each other in a way that instantly and intimately reminded me that I was single.

  It was painful, really. Mason was a good guy but things hadn’t worked between us. They hadn’t even gotten started. But I couldn’t be upset about that considering he’d found the perfect man for himself.

  And Tate had done the same thing.

  Love was in the air and singing Taylor swift wasn’t helping. Just another reminder that I hadn’t been with anyone in a while.

  I haven’t even met someone I was interested in.

  The song ended and I hooked the microphone in the stand. “We’re taking a quick break. Be back in fifteen!”

  A cheer went up from the crowd on the floor and at the bar. With a grin, I glanced at my bandmates and angled my head to the side of the stage. I needed a drink.

  They chatted while I walked off stage and miraculously found an empty seat the end of the bar.

  Bea was there, along with Liam, pouring drinks in sync. And if Liam was there, that meant Tate couldn’t be too far away. Those two were nearly inseparable these days.

  They made love look easy, like a movie. Where everything was just perfect and everyone was happy.

  If only.

  I had enough trouble trying to find a date, let alone trying to keep one.

  “That set was killer,” Bea said, walking over with a glass of water for me. “Anything else?”

  “Shot of tequila.”

  Her eyes lit with amusement. “Sure thing. Everything all right?”

  I shrugged. “Can’t complain.”

  She poured the shot and I downed it quickly. She held up the bottle, but I shook my head. One was enough for me—at least until I was finished with our next set. I had to pace myself.

  It was Friday night, after all, and we were still here for a while.

  Liam walked over and leaned in next to Bea. “You sure you’re still good for next week?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “I know it was sort of last minute—”

  “You gave us plenty of time,” I assured him with a smile. “We’re happy to help and happy for you both.”

  He smiled and nudged Bea’s arm. “Maybe we can find someone for you at the wedding.” He turned his grin on me. “And you.”

  Perfect. Not only was I fully aware of just how single I was, apparently everyone else at the bar was, too. But I couldn’t blame Liam. People in love tended to want everyone else to be in love, too.

  “I’ll be too busy singing,” I told him. “No time for a date.”

  Liam didn’t look discouraged. “There’s always time for a date. Tate and Mason just hired a new cutie early today—he’s cool. I talked to him before you came in to set up. Maybe I could set you up.”

  “Ha. Well.” I shared a look with Bea. “I might have to see how he looks first—you know, see if we have any chemistry.”

  “Oh. Totally. I think he’s still here, actually.” Liam stood on his toes and peered around the bar. “There he is.”

  I followed where Liam was pointing too, unable to figure out who he was talking about. But then I spotted a figure coming out of the hallway to the manager’s office. Cute profile, probably a little shorter than me, and…holy shit.

  I stood automatically, my heart jumping into my throat. “No fucking way,” I murmured under my breath.

  “What?” Liam asked. “He’s cute, right?”

  He lifted his hand to wave the man over, but I gripped his arm and shook my head. “No, don’t do that.”

  He blinked. “Why?”

  “I…” I swallowed and released Liam. “You’re right, he’s cute, but…maybe another time.”

  Bea and Liam both gave me a strange look, but I just turned away and headed back to my bandmates.

  I couldn’t believe it. Out of all the people I expected to see here in Toxic, this was the last person on my list.

  Cooper. Toleson.

  Chapter 2

  COOPER

  Moving back to town had been the easy part. I’d found a small loft above one of the businesses downtown, which afforded me multiple places to look at for a night job.

  I needed to keep my days open for my art, designing and illustrating book covers, posters, CD covers and so forth, which meant a night job was perfect—and I had more than enough experience at bartending that I was relatively confident I could find something decent.

  But after looking at the few places closest to my house without any luck, I widened my search. I’d seen posters for Toxic at a few places around town, but I’d never heard of it.

  Until I started asking around. Everyone said that Toxic was the best up-and-coming bar in the city. They also said it was hard as hell to get a job there because it was so popular.

  But I had experience on my side—and hopefully being in my late twenties gave me more credibility than the younger adults that were applying.

  One look at the place when I’d walked in earlier this afternoon told me why the bar was so popular. Good location, set in an old firehouse for charm and appeal, and a bar both outside and inside. They even had a live band that performed here a few nights a week.

  I was less interested in the band—after all, that just reminded me of Nate and high school, which I didn’t want to remember. Besides, it was almost ten years ago. I was well over Nate.

  At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

  I knew who I was now—and had even back then—and Nate and I were clearly on opposite sides of the spectrum.

  He hadn’t been able to accept he was gay back then. I realized now how hard that must have been for him, but it was my heart that had been broken when things hadn’t worked out.

  I’d told him my true feeling after we’d touched, held hands, even almost kissed, and he’d freaked out. I got it—we were teens and immature—but even then, I hadn’t understood how he could deny what we’d had.

  Anyway—that was a long time ago.

  The only reason I kept thinking about Nate was because I was back in town and I’d driven by my old high school to get here. It brought back all sorts of memories—not just ones of Nate.

  Inside the manager’s office at Toxic earlier, I’d pretended I was way more confident than I actually felt. I was a mature, responsible adult. They must have been impressed because they gave me the job and had me meet a few of the other bartenders before Tate brought me back in to discuss my schedule.

  I was feeling on top of the world until I stood from the chair and saw the poster on the wall.

  My stomach clenched and my heartbeat picked up. “Is that…” I pointed to the poster on the wall. “Is that the band that plays here?”

  The poster said, “Live: Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays” and then in bold letters at the bottom, it read, “Trilogy.”

  That was the name I’d suggested for Nate’s band so long ago. It had to be a coincidence. I mean, Nate and his band had traveled somewhere to pursue their fame. California or Memphis or something. They couldn’t still be around. And if they had made it big, they probably would have changed their name anyway.

  I used to draw their posters for them, fun sketches of drum sets and guitars. I’d even drawn Nate a few times.

  But their name always seemed like something that they’d change up when they got big. Maybe not one of the idiotic names they’d originally thought up—like Pony Pillow or something equally ridiculous—but something mature. Catchy. Something that would have a good ring to it when they were announced on the radio, and something that would look good on a giant poster or CD cover.

  In reality, I’d just figured they’d disbanded like so many other aspiring singers. Just like I’d almost given up my art when I’d left for college. But instead of leaving it behind, it was what had saved me.

  “That’s them,” Tate said, standing as well. “Have you heard of them?”

  “I don’t k
now.” I glanced back and tried to be more coherent, when all I wanted to do was run out to the bar and check for myself. After all, I could already hear the drums and the base. The voice was muffled, but it immediately brought to mind an image of Nate standing at a microphone stand, wearing his typical tight jeans and leather jacket, eyes closed while he sang his heart out.

  God, he had an amazing voice, even back then. A voice that was destined to take him places.

  I cleared my throat as Tate stared at me and tried to force a smile. “I mean, I used to know someone who was in a band with the same name. Nate Perkins.”

  “Hey,” he said with a grin. “What do you know? It’s the same band.”

  Oh, fuck.

  “They’re in a middle of a set right now, but you’re welcome to stick around to say hi afterward,” Tate told me.

  “Right. Afterward.” I forced myself to focus, knowing there was no way in hell that I was going to say hi.

  In fact, I was almost reconsidering taking the job here. But then I remembered that pesky little thing called bills—bills I had to pay soon. And also, I hadn’t had any luck anywhere else I’d applied. I couldn’t waste this opportunity. But how was I supposed to face Nate again?

  I couldn’t. Not right now.

  “Thanks again,” I told Tate as I turned to the door.

  “See you tomorrow for your first shift.”

  I nodded and cast him another smile I hoped didn’t make him suspicious, and then walked out the door. The music ended as I headed in the direction of the bar.

  Good. Maybe they were done for the night and I could just sneak by. I’d wanted to stay and thank Liam and Bea for being so welcoming. But not if Nate was anywhere around.

  I walked hesitantly, hoping I was in the clear. Then I saw Liam waving his hand like he was trying to get my attention.

  And the whole world froze.

  Nate. He was there at the bar.

  His eyes locked with mine.

  I looked away. But not fast enough to know that he saw me. Even more, he recognized me.

  Keeping my head down, I skirted through the throng of people, as far from the bar as possible.

  Shit, shit, shit. The last thing I needed right now was to deal with my past. I just needed a job so I could pay my bills. I didn’t need the hassle of history.

  But this might be the only job I could find and I knew the tips were going to be amazing on the weekends. I didn’t have much of a choice.

  Not tonight, though. Tonight, there was no way I was going to deal with the reality of what was happening.

  I had to come in tomorrow anyway. Then maybe I’d know how to deal. Then, maybe I’d forget the flicker of hurt that was blooming in my heart right now.

  Tomorrow would be different, and I’d act my ass of if I had to. I’d make Nate think I’d completely forgotten about him and go about life like normal.

  That was probably better anyway, since he had clearly never had feelings for me in the first place.

  Chapter 3

  NATE

  It wasn’t because of Cooper, I told myself that as I put on my leather jacket before I left that night. It was my favorite jacket and it completed the look.

  It had nothing to do with that fact that he’d loved it back when we were in high school.

  Then I took it off. No way. It was too big of a reminder of what had happened between us.

  I growled in frustration and pulled it back on. It was part of the persona. It had nothing to do with Cooper and everything to do with me.

  But that didn’t mean it still didn’t remind me of Cooper.

  Because it did. I hadn’t been able to get him out of my mind since I’d seen him last night.

  It was mortifying, really, because I knew I’d treated him like shit. We’d flirted back then. A lot—because he knew he was gay and inside, I knew I was too. But if I’d come out then, if I’d told the entire school—and my parents—that I was gay, it might have ruined our band’s reputation.

  But fuck, I’d wanted Cooper. I’d never even kissed a boy and I’d known I wanted his lips against mine, his hands on my body.

  When I’d gotten older and realized I didn’t give a damn about what people thought of me and I let myself be who I truly was. I had relationships with men and enjoyed them. But every once in a while, I’d still imagine Cooper’s face, his soft smile, the way his lips would curl at the corners and how badly I’d wanted to kiss them.

  I’d imagine his lithe body against mine, fingers exploring and teasing, and wondered how it would feel to have him want me like that again. It would probably feel like the first time—full of wonder and exploration and fun. Intimate, but perfect.

  By then, though, Cooper was long gone. We’d both gone our separate ways and never seen each other again.

  Except for those few times I’d looked him up online to see what he was up to. To see the kind of man he’d grown into. And that just made me regret what I’d done even more.

  He was sexy as hell now, and accomplished. I’d seen his artwork even back in high school and he’d been amazing. Now, he was even better.

  And now, he probably hated me.

  I left my leather jacket on this time and walked to my car. I had a job to do tonight whether or not it was awkward, so there was no use in delaying it. I didn’t want to fuck up this gig for me and the band. The owners of Toxic were good to us. The pretty much gave us total creative license and we had a show there three nights a week—three of their biggest nights. We had a good thing going.

  It wasn’t the big time like we’d once thought we were headed toward, but I wasn’t unhappy with the detour our music had taken. Sean had gotten married and Cruise was helping to take care of his dad, who’d had a stroke a few years back. And I…well, I kind of liked knowing when our next show was and when we’d get paid. I liked the security of it all, so it made sense to keep our band local.

  It worked for all of us and made us all happy for the most part.

  But what the hell was Cooper doing here? I wondered as I pulled into the back lot of Toxic. Last I saw, he’d been in Detroit—or was it Boston? I couldn’t remember because I’d forced myself to stop looking him up a few years back.

  I hadn’t ever gotten up the courage to email him or message him even the simplest of notes. Not even that I hoped he was doing well—though I expected he was and wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d been married to a hot, successful man who gave him everything I ever could have. And more.

  The timing had been off for me and Cooper back then—and I had no idea if it ever would have been right. Not when I’d been so confused about who I really was and willing to give up happiness so I could appear a certain way on the outside.

  Cooper wasn’t like that at all, and even if he could forgive me for what had happened, he probably couldn’t ever respect me.

  Still, I looked around for his car—or, at least, an unfamiliar car—when I got out of mine in the lot. Part of me was dying to see him again and the other part dreaded it.

  What the hell was I supposed to say to him?

  I had no idea if one of the handful of cars was his, so I grabbed my guitar and started toward the door. When Tate pulled up, I waited for him.

  Safety in numbers.

  “Hey,” he said, catching up to me. “Ready for another busy night?”

  “Always ready.”

  “I just wanted to say thanks again for doing the reception for us,” Tate said. “Liam really wanted a live band.”

  “Absolutely. We’re looking forward to it.”

  Tate keyed in the code to open the back door, which he held for me. “I really wish you guys would let us pay you full price. Or—”

  “No. We already talked about it. We want to do it for you and we weren’t booked for anything else that day.”

  In fact, we rarely did shows on Sundays anymore because everyone had places to be or wanted to be home with their families. I was the only one who didn’t seem to have anywhere to be lat
ely.

  Or anyone to be with.

  “Still,” Tate started.

  “Nope. We already agreed and this is the way it is. Besides, we’re all happy to see you with Liam. We were going to come to the wedding anyway, now we get to help celebrate. It’s a good thing.”

  “It is a good thing,” Tate echoed.

  I could see it all over his face. And in his smile. He was the happiest I’d ever seen him, and he deserved all of it.

  “Oh, hey,” Tate said before I could walk the rest of the way down the hallway. “Did you get to meet Cooper—or see him again? Not sure if you guys know each other.”

  “Cooper?” I asked in surprise. Was I supposed to meet him last night? Because after I’d seen him, he’d booked it out the front door pretty fast. I hadn’t had a chance to say hi even if I’d wanted to. Which at that moment, seemed like a pretty shitty idea.

  “New hire,” Tate said. “He thought he recognized your band, but maybe he was thinking of someone else. Not too many Trilogy’s out there, though.”

  I smiled, even though behind it my teeth were gritted. He recognized us? That meant he remembered. Of course he did. He came to our practices almost every single day. He’d done the cover for our first EP. He’d been there for me for more than that, too…

  “Cooper Toleson?” I asked, trying not to sound too surprised since technically I’d already seen him. “Is that who I saw? Well, shit. I haven’t seen him in years.”

  It sounded too light. Too fluffy. I hadn’t seen him because I’d been an ass. So to be acting like he was just an old acquaintance didn’t sit well with me. And I decided at the very least I needed to say hi to him. Thank him for naming our band and being there for me when I hadn’t had anyone to talk to.

  “Let me know if you guys need help setting up,” Tate said before he walked into the manager’s office.

  I blew out a breath as he disappeared. What I needed was help to figure out what to say to Cooper.

  When I walked deeper into the firehouse, I spotted Bea at the bar and headed straight over. She’d know what to say.