Toxic (The Complete Series): Contemporary Gay Romance Read online

  He stopped by occasionally during the day but I had to tell him to leave after an hour or I’d get too distracted by him.

  Nate was one of the most sexual people I’d ever met and he made me feel things I’d never felt. Even better because they were with him.

  But that made it hard to get my work done.

  I was happy I’d get to see him tonight. Maybe convince him to stay the night since I had tomorrow off.

  When I looked at the caller ID, I smiled and answered. “Brian. Hey. It’s been a long time.”

  “I know. Too long. You ever think about coming back to visit? It’s weird around here without you.”

  Brian was a friend from work, where we’d done design together. He was better at marketing and I was the creative side of it. We made a great team, but there wasn’t much room for growth there.

  And maybe I’d been a little homesick, too. Either way, it had made sense to end my job there and try to branch out on my own. Longer hours and lower pay, but eventually I’d get to where I needed to be.

  “It’s weird not being there, too,” I told Brian. “I love the freelancing thing but sticking to a schedule isn’t as easy.”

  Especially when my sexy new boyfriend was in the background. It was everything I’d ever wanted, but there was that little flicker in the back of my mind that it was too good to be true.

  Maybe that was why I was forcing myself to stick so strictly to work. To not let him stay too long during the day. I was afraid, way in the back of my mind, that this wasn’t going to last.

  And I felt guilty about it. Guilty because I’d told Nate that I was over what had happened in the past but I clearly wasn’t, and guilty because he hadn’t given me any reason to believe that he was going to leave or let me down this time.

  “I get it,” Brian said. “That’s why I like heading into an office every day. Holds me accountable.”

  I kept my phone to my ear while I got out of the car. “How are things going there?”

  I automatically looked around for Nate’s car as I walked to the back entrance. It was like a physical ache inside of me every time he wasn’t around. I wanted to be with him all the time, and maybe that was another thing that scared me.

  “I can’t complain. But we’re restructuring a little.”

  “How so?”

  “Johnson is gone. Now the higher ups want a team instead of one person. They recommended me.”

  “Wow. That’s great.” I arrived at the door and paused outside of it. “I think you’d do a good job running that place.”

  “They also asked if there was anyone else they thought might be good for the team. I recommended you.”

  My hand froze as I reached out for the handle. “Me?”

  “Absolutely. We used to make a good team and we still would. We would be running the place. It could be a good thing.”

  “It could be a good thing,” I whispered, though the idea of it formed a knot in my belly.

  Confusion. I loved my old job. But I also loved where I was now. And who I was with.

  Brian cleared his throat. “I’m heading home to the family right now, but I just wanted you to know. I mentioned you, they thought it was a good idea, and—well, I think you’re going to be getting a call with an official offer.”

  His words stunned me to silence. An offer? To move back there and start my old job? No, not just my old job. My old job but better.

  “Thanks, Brian,” I said, my voice still softer than normal.

  I ended the call and then somebody touched my arm. I yelped.

  “Whoa.” Nate held up his hands as I turned to face him. “I’m sorry. I thought you heard me.”

  “No, I…” I shoved my phone in my pocket. “I was distracted.”

  Nate reached out for me, resting his hand on my arm. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” I gave him a smile I knew looked forced.

  He angled his head. “I can tell you’re thinking about something. Are you okay?”

  “I am. Really.” I tried to forget about the phone call. Right now, there was nothing I could do but wait to see if I heard anything else. There was no point in worrying about it—or saying anything to Nate.

  “I missed you,” I told him, lifting my chin so I could kiss him.

  He wrapped his arms around me automatically, body molding to mine. “I missed you, too. I feel like we haven’t seen each other much lately.”

  He’d noticed. That made the guilt increase because it had been a conscious decision on my end.

  “I know.” I kissed him again, suddenly wanting him to know how much he meant to me. “Can we get together after work? Or if you’re busy, maybe—”

  “No.” He kissed one corner of my mouth, then the other. “I’m not busy. I want to see you. Come to my place.”

  “Okay.”

  He lifted my chin and stared into my eyes, as if trying to read what was behind what I wasn’t saying. “I wish you’d talk to me.”

  My mouth opened automatically to deny there was anything to talk about, but then Sean arrived, honking as he passed.

  We waved, and then I pulled open the door. “We should get inside.”

  He let the conversation go, but I doubted he’d forget. Nate tended to hang onto things—just like I did. At least the important things. Things he wasn’t ready to let go.

  I admired that about him at the same time it frustrated me.

  Bea was behind the bar when we got inside. Her lips curved when she saw Nate kiss my hand before releasing me to get to work.

  “Wow. It’s going around,” she said.

  “What is?”

  “The love bug. Maybe if you sneeze on me, I’ll be contaminated, too,” she said with a grin.

  “Gross. Maybe you should go on one of those dating websites,” I told her.

  She laughed. “That’s not fair. You meet Nate here—after you’ve been apart all these years, and Liam and Mason met the loves of their lives here. Where’s my love? Why do I have to go on a dating site?”

  I smiled at her, her joking demeanor relaxing me some. “Maybe it’s just not your time yet.”

  She sighed and leaned against the counter. “When’s my time going to come? Maybe we should go see a psychic.”

  “You think?”

  “Yes!” She straightened, like the idea gave her new purpose. “We should! I could see if my true love is on the way and you could see…what? What do you need to know from the psychic?”

  I glanced at Nate as he stood on stage. He looked over at the same time, eyes connecting with mine as he started his first song. His voice pierced my soul. It was like we were the only two people in the room.

  “I need to know what I’m supposed to do,” I told Bea without looking away from Nate.

  “About what?”

  “About everything.”

  Then Nate smiled at me, and more conflict raged through my body. I knew a psychic couldn’t tell me what to do or give me answers. I was going to have to do that by myself.

  I just had no idea how my insecurities and fears were going to affect what I felt in my heart.

  Chapter 13

  NATE

  When I woke up the next morning and reached for Cooper, he wasn’t there. I rolled onto my side and searched the room while my eyes came into focus. I didn’t see him anywhere.

  Then I heard his voice somewhere in my apartment. A murmur low enough I couldn’t tell what he was saying.

  I stood and tugged on a pair of sweats. When I saw him in the kitchen, pacing back and forth across the room, my stomach clenched. I wasn’t sure why fear suddenly raced through me, but it did.

  “I understand. That’s very generous,” he said.

  When he looked up and saw me, he straightened like I’d surprised him. His eyes locked on mine and I saw an undercurrent of something there. Worry. Frustration? I wasn’t sure, but it made me worry even more.

  To give him space, I turned back to the living room and sat on the couch. I lifted
my guitar from its holder and strummed a few cords. The music soothed me. Made me focus enough not to worry about whatever was happening in the other room.

  I heard Cooper say goodbye and end the call. He walked to the couch where I was sitting and joined me.

  When I stopped playing, he leaned his head on my shoulder and whispered, “Keep going.”

  Despite the concern I felt over his tone, I did what he asked. The music seemed to soothe him, too. He continued to lean on my shoulder in a gesture of vulnerability that made me want to turn to him to get him to talk to me.

  Before I could say a word, though, he took the guitar from me and set it aside. And then his mouth was on mine.

  There was so much desperation in his kiss, I didn’t know what to do but give him what he was seeking.

  “Just distract me,” he said. “I want…”

  “What?” I kissed him on the lips and then brushed my thumb down his cheek. “What do you want?”

  “I want your mouth on me.”

  My cock jumped at the request. Fuck. That was hot. Cooper usually let me take the lead, but this time he was telling me exactly what he wanted. And he was trusting me to take away whatever it was bothering him.

  I leaned him back on the couch and slid my hands under his shirt. His skin was smooth and cool. I pushed the shirt up so I could put my mouth in the same places my hands were moving.

  He exhaled, eyes shutting when I kissed down his torso. The connection our intimacy gave us made me feel like Cooper and I had found our rhythm. At least physically. But I still hadn’t gotten him to open up to me.

  My fingers gripped the band of his sweats and tugged them down, completely aroused to find he wasn’t wearing underwear. He must have gotten out of bed and pulled something on quickly to get out of the room.

  My cock went rock hard, straining against the material of my pants. Cooper was just as hard, pre-cum leaking from the head of his dick. I put my lips there and heard him hiss in a breath.

  At the sound, my heartbeat picked up. I ran my tongue on the underside of his cock, hitting the sensitive spot he loved right near the head. His hand clenched on the couch cushion, showing me just how I was making him feel.

  “Nate,” he whispered. “That feels so good.”

  His free hand ran through my hair, encouraging me to keep going.

  I took him into my mouth, hollowing my cheeks to increase suction. His body tensed beneath me. I gripped him at the base of his cock so I could pump there at the same time I sucked.

  “Oh—God—” His voice came out hoarse.

  I continued to suck, pushing him toward the release I knew he needed.

  “Almost,” Cooper choked out.

  In the next instant, he exploded. His body went rigid and then shook against me as I held him, letting him come against my stomach. Hoping he felt safe and wanted in that moment.

  I continued to hold him as his body relaxed, sinking into the couch cushions again. I rested my cheek against his chest to listen to his heartbeat. He ran his fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes.

  “Are you worried about us?” I asked him. He was silent long enough, I opened one eye and peered up at him. “Is that why you’ve been so quiet?”

  His lips turned down in a frown. “That’s part of it. I…it’s hard not to worry.”

  “You know I wouldn’t back out of this. I wouldn’t do the same thing as I did before—”

  “No. God, no—I know that. Nate,” he said, touching my cheek. “It’s not you. And it wasn’t fair of me. You’ve been so good and—”

  I sat up and he broke off, eyes wide. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  He moved as well, grabbing a towel from the basket by the couch to wipe himself off. “No. That’s not it at all. Nate.”

  He was finally talking to me but it was making me nervous now—nervous that something more was coming.

  “Hey.” He reached out for me, his hand squeezing mine. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying it’s me. I get in my own head and it makes it hard for me to trust that this is going to last.”

  I breathed out calmly, trying to put his fear into perspective. I could understand why he was wary. Why he might think this was too good to be true. I’d thought it more than once myself.

  “What’s it going take to make you see that I’m here for you?” I asked.

  He swallowed and shook his head. “You don’t have to do anything—”

  “I love you.” It came out swift but sure. I knew he said he didn’t need reassurance, but I needed him to hear it anyway. “I love you, Cooper. Maybe I have this whole time since we first met way back in school. But now that I know you—the you that you’ve become—I’m sure. I love you.”

  His breath caught and his eyes widened. His mouth opened but nothing came out.

  “I know,” I said. “It’s sudden. You don’t have to say anything.”

  “It’s not that. It’s…” He glanced away, toward the phone he’d set on the coffee table. “I got offered my old job back. Well—it’s like my old job but better. They offered me a raise and I’ll be the boss and—”

  He stopped talking when I just sat and stared.

  “I had to tell you,” he whispered.

  “Is that why you’ve been so quiet?” I asked.

  He nodded. “I heard from an old work friend a little over a week ago. And this morning…” He dropped his chin.

  “So you’re thinking of moving again? Leaving?”

  The idea of it made my heart ache, piercing it right in the middle. It was a feeling I never knew I could feel.

  I stood and waited for an answer. Cooper looked up at me, his eyes lost. After a moment, he shook his head. “I don’t know.”

  His uncertainty was worse. I’d just told him I loved him and now he was saying he might leave. He might walk away like I had so long ago.

  Karma really was a bitch.

  I shoved a hand through my hair. “I need a minute. I’m—I’m going to take a shower.”

  I walked off and he didn’t follow me or try to say anything else. It almost felt like he’d already made up his mind.

  Chapter 14

  COOPER

  I hadn’t seen Nate since I’d told him about the job offer. Since he’d told me he loved me. Three days’ worth of non-stop worrying that I would make the wrong decision.

  And three days of missing Nate so fully that I felt like I had a hole in my chest.

  I had to go into work tonight but I was afraid it would only make things worse. I still didn’t know what to say to Nate, only that I couldn’t stand to leave things the way they were between us.

  My phone dinged with a text. I whipped it out of my pocket, disappointed when it was Bea instead of Nate.

  Are you almost here? What is going on?

  I sighed and put the phone back in my pocket. She’d been texting me the last few days but I hadn’t known how to answer her. Somehow, she knew something was going on—I just wasn’t sure how.

  Unless she’d talked to Nate.

  The idea of that killed me. That he might have gone to someone else to talk because he didn’t believe he could confide in me.

  But why would he? I hadn’t told him I’d gotten the job offer and then it was the only thing I’d been able to say to him when he’d told me he loved me.

  When I walked into the building, I automatically looked around for Nate first. One half of me wanted desperately to see him and the other half had no idea how to put into words how I was feeling.

  Bea’s eyes widened when she saw me, but when she got a closer look, she frowned and walked straight to me at the edge of the bar. “Are you okay? You look like shit.”

  I gave a short, humorless laugh. “Thanks.”

  “What happened?”

  “Why do you think something happened?”

  She glanced around and then lowered her voice. “Because Nate came in here earlier in the week and drowned his sorrows in tequila. A lot of tequila.”<
br />
  I rubbed a hand over my face. “Shit.”

  The image that brought to mind, one of him drinking alone at the bar because of what I’d put him through, made my heart ache.

  “I think I broke his heart,” I whispered.

  She put her arm around me. “Cooper…what happened?”

  “He told me he loved me and I couldn’t say it back. And then I told him I got a job offer—out of state—and that I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to take it.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “Wow.”

  “Yeah.”

  Someone came through the front door and ambled over to the bar. “I’ll get this,” she said.

  I nodded gratefully and tried to keep myself busy with sweeping up debris that wasn’t even there. Anything to distract myself and get through the night. Nate would be here at any minute and then what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t stand to see him hurting but what if he wouldn’t even talk to me?

  Bea finished serving the customer and then walked back over to me. She grabbed the top of the broom to make me stop sweeping. “Cooper…”

  I looked up at her. “It’s fine. I’m fine.”

  “Right.”

  “I am. I just…I don’t know how to fix this.”

  “I guess it depends on what you’re trying to fix.”

  I blinked at her. “What do you mean?”

  “Are you trying to figure out how to let him down easy or are you trying to figure out if that’s even what you want?”

  Wariness crept up on me. “I’m too tired to figure out what you’re saying.”

  Before she could answer, Nate walked in through the back entrance. My hand clenched on the broom handle, my heart racing.

  He strolled past the bar, giving us both a curt nod before he started setting up equipment with Sean.

  He looked as tired as I felt. But in that moment, I realized I had to resolve things with him.

  The bar got busier and soon Trilogy started their first song of the night. I stood in stunned silence as Nate’s tortured voice came through the microphone. He was singing the same song that had made me fall in love with him.